I can't believe it *tear*

So...I'm still in shock.

My best friend calls me on Tuesday with some of the worst news she will ever have to tell me. "We had to make a decision. Either keep mom on life support in a home or take her off. She is being taken off on Thursday morning."

I feel so bad for her. Losing her mom when she is 26 years old..and having to help make that decision on her birthday.

I feel worse because there is no way for me to get to Michigan to help her and her family through this hard time. Instead of saving my money like I should have, I spent it on seeing Caleb twice, and twice being disrespected and hurt by him. Why did I waste the money? This is something important. It's like losing my own mother...she was my second mom.

Jessie and I met in 8th grade at a dance my church sponsored. I didn't know anyone in Ida except the kids I went to church with and had catechism with..they didn't quite accept me as much as my mom thought they did. A few did, but not all. Jessie and I became instant best friends and it showed the next school year when I had to start going to Ida High School.

I cut my hair super short the day before school started. Jessie, Kayla, Rachael and Fred were the only people who didn't care. My boyfriend even dumped me because of it. I met Rachael just before school started.

I went back to Monroe High the second semester of that year. I could no longer get transportation to school for Ida so it had to be done. I was okay with it and excited to leave since most of my friends in Monroe wouldn't judge me based on how I looked.

Jessie's and my friendship continued on it's path. Eventually we had a couple of big fights and went out separate ways for awhile, but a couple years later, we were best friends again. She is the only person my age I fully trust and always have fully trusted. I've only held a couple things back from her, but one of those things I eventually told her, which she already knew because Rachael's dad was a cop and told Rachael about the report and Rachael told everyone but not to tell me.

Jessie is the closest thing I have to a sister. Her mom has always treated me like a daughter, not just her daughter's friend. I could go to her and talk to her like my mother, she supported me as a mother would support her daughter and she helped me through a lot of tough times just by letting me hang out over there. She never forced me to talk about things nor did she ever betray my trust.

I feel like I just lost my mom. A huge part of me hurts very badly. I've only cried a few times...if I had more time without my daughter, I would cry more, but I can't put those feelings out there with Caralyn there to receive them. She feels bad enough as it is with her teething.

I know I am going to regret not being there for Jessie and her family. I am going to regret not being there for the funeral, not being able to say goodbye, not being able to hug and hold Jessie as a sister should. I already regret it.

I have looked for ways to get home. The only options I haven't tried is asking my family and Josh's to borrow the money to get home and pay them back in October. If we had the money, Josh would send me home in a heartbeat. He knows how I feel and he wants me home for this, but unless we ask for loans or try to bump our credit card amount up a couple thousand dollars, there is no way $10 will get me back to Michigan...that's all the money we have until our first payday in September...and that is because we borrowed Caralyn's money in her savings account (which is being paid back on payday).

Anyway, I'm done for now. If I write and think about it any longer I'll start crying again and wake Cara up from her nap...I don't get them often enough, so I can't wake her up from it. If anyone else has any ideas, please let me know!