Tuesday, August 18, 2009

How do I hadle this situation? A little help please?

So in July I went home last minute to see my brother in law get married. He had said the day before I left "I really wish you could be there." So his mom and I found as least expensive of a one way flight as possible so I could be there for him like he wanted.

I get there the morning of his wedding and am exhausted, so is Caralyn obviously with flying all night long and being completely off schedule. I go shopping for a dress appropriate enough for the wedding and found nothing. Luckily my dress I brought was perfect enough for it, I was more appropriately dressed than most of the invited guests.

Now, before I get to this next part, I would like to let you all know that my brother in law had told both myself and my husband that he PERSONALLY sent out an invitation and that of course we were invited to the wedding.

An hour before his mother, step father and I (along with Cara, of course) are leaving for the ceremony (not planning on attending the reception since his own mother's invite didn't arrive until almost 2 weeks after the RSVP date, and to this day Josh and I have yet to receive one) he calls me and says "How DARE you invite yourself to the wedding! We can't make accommodations for you! How do you think that makes my bride feel?" I told him that I did not need accommodated and reminded him that he had told us we were invited. "JOSH was invited! NOT you! ONLY JOSH!" This was a blow to me. I just said "Thank you for letting me waste almost $1,000 again on you." and hung up.

I told Penny and Mark (Josh's mom and step dad) what was happening since Penny was looking worried at the crying and yelling that was happening on the phone. I then got on the phone and called Seth (Josh's other brother) and let him know I would not be at the wedding and explained what had just happened. He was relaying this to Jeff and Jeanine (Josh's dad and step mom). Seth handed the phone to Jeff and he talked to me, trying to calm me down. I then talked to Jeanine who was doing the same thing. Finally they handed the phone back to Seth when he and Jeff finished their conversation. The solution was that I would be going to the ceremony and we would all (Jeff, Jeanine, Penny, Mark, Seth, Caralyn and I) walk in together and sit together. I told Seth to talk to his mom about it and went outside to find her.

I then found out that Caleb and Penny talked and that he had told her they only invited her because she is his mother, they didn't really want her there. He also had asked how long she had known I was coming, which we didn't know until the day before and we both tried getting ahold of him to let him know, but he refused to answer both calls and texts from both of us.

Penny had agreed to the situation at hand with Jeff and Jeanine and we finished getting ready and left.

When we arrived we found Jeff, Jeanine and Seth right away. I thought of staying in the car instead of leaving, but got Cara out and held onto her tight for strength. We all walked in together and stood in the Narthex waiting to be seated (like the family traditionally is). Holly's (Caleb's bride) mom then decided we weren't good enough to be seated traditionally and said nastily and rudely "It's time to find your seats. Go sit down." Jeanine and Jeff walked in and sat towards the back of the guests that were already seated, even though they were told to sit in the front row. The rest of us sat in the very back row.

Before they were announced as husband and wife, I got up with Caralyn and stood in the Narthex, right in front of the doors so they could see me smiling and clapping for them while holding Caleb's only blood niece (his only other is his sister in law's adopted daughter). Seth joined me so I wasn't alone (such a gentleman). He said he didn't even want to see or talk to them anyway. As they started to walk down the aisle after being announced as the newly married, the three of us turned around and walked out the doors and to the side of the church so as "not to upset" his bride any further.

His whole family came out and talked to us and were so happy to see us since it was so unexpected. Almost no one knew what had happened before the wedding or in January (which Caleb and Holly say was a misunderstanding and will forgive us for it once we all [Penny and I really] apologize to Holly for it. I thought a misunderstanding meant no one was in the wrong and it was just let go, no apologies necessary. If you think it would help you to give advice I will write what happened in January also, just ask). I had to put on a happy face.

Josh's Grandma had to force themselves into family pictures, along with forcing Seth, Jeff and Jeanine to go back into the church for family pictures. Josh's Aunt told Caleb he WAS getting his picture taken with his mother and she got Penny just before leaving to get a picture on the sidewalk with them. The look on Holly's face was VERY unpleasant while Caleb faked the cheesiest smile in the world, trying to hide how he's treated us since getting serious with her just over a year ago...which is when they met.

Josh is very upset about this. He never expected this kind of behavior from Caleb. Caleb has always been the laid back, non confrontational kind of person. He always respected his family and never raised his voice to anyone. So to disrespect us that badly and yell at us is a shock to him. He can't understand it's all Holly and that it's nothing personal, he's blinded by love. He just can't get over it. He's furious and confused and more than anything, deeply hurt.

Don't get me wrong, I'm very hurt by this and it's unacceptable to treat your family like this under ANY circumstance, but I've already lost an Uncle and Cousins to this kind of situation, so I can see where it's heading. Josh still can't believe it's the end of it all...that Holly has manipulated him and he basically no longer has a brother named Caleb, just as I no longer have an Uncle named Marty because of his wife (and mother to his kids) named Liza, who manipulated him. Of course, I held out hope for years with Marty. I stopped hoping or caring when he called my Pipi stupid because he doesn't have a college education.

I just don't know how to make things okay with Josh in this situation. I know it's my fault that it's bad right now. If I had just stayed home like planned we wouldn't be in this situation...and we would have almost $1,000 more in our savings...which I pretty much wiped out to be there for him and support him (As soon as January happened I didn't want him marrying her, but I still supported his decision because he said it was all Holly's mom and not Holly).

Josh is also upset that Caleb has stopped calling his mom and will not call him at all. I think that hurts the worst...that Caleb won't talk to him, won't even acknowledge that he's here and alive and really is his brother. Whether this is because Holly is living with him now or he's afraid of what Josh is going to say I have no idea.

I just need help to 1) get over this completely myself and forgive Caleb and Holly for how they have treated me and my family (not just me, Cara and Josh, but also my in-laws) and 2) to help Josh get through this. I have no clue how to help him and support him without him getting more upset and hurt...I try not to mention it, but he stews about it when he's got time to think and it hurts me to see him this way.

I've thought about Messaging or Calling Caleb and telling him he better at least give his brother one last call before completely leaving the family, but I'm betting it would make matters worse. I just want to protect Josh and also give him the last bit he needs from his brother...to ream him and to hear what he has to say for himself and how he treated his own blood...I just don't know how. Usually I can figure it out, but it's been a month and a half and I still don't know...please help!

1 comment:

  1. Ok. Family is a bitch. In-laws are worse. It is up to Josh to speak to Caleb and tell him how he feels. Unfortunately anything you say or do will make it worse. Matthew's mom and I had words last year and things still are not the same. It is up to you to try as hard as you can, but at some point you have to let go. You cannot force someone to love you or your family. Since Caleb is Josh's brother he will probably listen to him more than anyone else. Caleb probably has a side to his story that hasn't been told. Maybe... but letters explaining your perspective are usually helpful. They can't interrupt a letter and can see your side. But seriously, you have to talk to Josh and see what he thinks the best move may be. If I think of better advice I will tell you...