Hard time of the year

This week has gotten to me again this year. Last year? Nothing. It started quite awhile ago this year actually.

The younger women of my church had a "girls night" at a local restaurant chain. I went because I needed some time away from my kids (Josh was underway and I was going insane!) I was having a great time then suddenly some of the women with tweens and teens started talking about how they "Couldn't believe ________ was _____ years old already!" It hit me then that my first baby, the baby I lost when I was 15, would've been 13 years old that upcoming summer. My heart sank and I became really reserved, trying to hold back tears. I've not been hit that hard by that realization in a REALLY long time! I couldn't say anything since about 99.8% of the people I know (including my parents) had no idea I lost a child. About 95% of the people I know have no idea I had even been raped.

I got over the sadness I felt within a couple weeks, but it was still in my mind...way at the back, but not quite buried like it normally is. Then this week happens and since it was in my mind to begin with, it hit me. Not as hard as my realization earlier in the year...since that came out of nowhere...but it still was on my mind most of the day on November 6. It's still on my mind today, obviously, but it's not as prominent as it was on Wednesday. I'm doing better already with not letting it run me down any and am trying to focus on the positives of my life. I have two amazing children, my husband is in the home stretch of his Navy Career, I'm alive, I have a VERY supportive family (in both my immediate family, my in-laws and my church family)...the list could go on for an extraordinary amount of time.

So why did it hit me this year when it hasn't hit me the last few years? I have no clue. Josh thinks possibly stress since I have been fairly stressed this year about a lot of different things. The kids had me stressed out to the max the whole last underway, I've been stressed out about financials these last few months, I haven't been exercising like I should...that really helped me out...the running, Zumba and Pole Dancing. We can't afford to renew our gym membership and I can't even afford the $20 a week for Zumba and Pole Class that is outside of the gym. I could still run, but I can't afford the clothes that are appropriate for running in the cold/wet weather we are having right now...and I HATE running on treadmills! I found that out when we did have a gym membership. So in the end, I'm just going to chalk all this up to stress with no stress relief from exercise.

On top of the rape playing repeatedly in my head this last week, I was reminded that my friend Adam passed away 2 years ago on Wednesday. That hit me hard too. I knew he had passed, but I didn't remember which day or when. I've been thinking of Adam a lot lately. I've missed him dearly since I graduated high school, but I still ran into him in town on occasion while I was still living there. Once I moved, I think I saw him maybe once before he passed. I've been remembering his hugs, his pep talks, his smile, his blue hair when he changed it once at the end of my senior year, his personality and his loving nature. No one could stay mad at him when he was a jerk because there was always some reason he was being a jerk...ALWAYS...and it never really had anything to do with us. He was a strong man, even when he was really only a boy. He rarely asked for help but was always asking what he could do when one of his friends even looked like they were starting to get down. In my senior year of high school, he got me through the day when I ran into Steve every time I turned around, when someone started harassing me for whatever reason, he was my rock my senior year and he was only a freshman. I feel like I failed him after I left school and I never got to say good bye. He was a much better friend than I and he deserved so much better from me.

This post has gone a much different way than I had planned and that's okay. I think this is where I should end it though. I don't know what else to say or even how to truly end this, so I'm just going to end it here. I hope you all have a wonderful day!